Before You Say "I Do"

Whewwww!!!!

This one spoke to me!

I'm sooo excited to share with you some things I feel people should know before you decide to get married. Also, somethings that I have learned from being a wife only 4 years. Somethings I wish I would have known and somethings I'm currently learning and experiencing that's grooming me for years to come.

1. Marriage is NOT easy!

Yes I know you have heard it for years and years but no seriously. It's not easy. I mean AT ALL. I feel like before you really experience marriage first hand its easy to downplay this statement. Everyone would always say marriage is not easy, its hard work and I would obviously know you have to do things to make it work just like a relationship. However, I didn't realize just how much work you truly had to put in. (I underestimated it)

I kid you not when I got married I'm like ok, its going to be the same thing, we were already together for years prior so its just a continuation of that except for the rest of our lives. okay cool I can do that right? WRONG!

It was almost as if everything became so much more real because we made vows and a commitment under God and law to do certain things and live together a certain way. Knowing that we had to honor that became that much harder not to walk away when we are upset, or pack our stuff and leave when we felt like we didn't want each other anymore. We had to remember the vows and commitment to each other and fight/work to keep them and do what we could to be ok and better. That's with everything from, cleaning, careers, children, finances, spirituality, every aspect of our lives is now an intentional fight to be better. I hope I'm making sense.

All in all, you have to put in the literal work (action behind words) each and every day when you are married to uphold the vows. Ladies you can't have an attitude just because anymore (like you would always do in relationship) you have to now intentionally fight past the attitude every single time because its going to lead to unhealthy patterns in the union. Men you can't just be nonchalant and insensitive about everything like your custom to doing you have to fight to show that you truly care, you're in tune with what's going on and you're capable of being concerned and attentive to the needs of your spouse. So pretty much every area you lacked in relationship there is now a requirement, a demand to be better for the sake of the covenant. That's not easy especially when life is already B A N A N A 'S !

2. Submission

Oooooooooooo the "S" word !! hahahahaha

I haaattted this word!!

still do sometimes ! lol

What does it me to be submissive or to submit?

Dictionary definition states : "accept or yield to a superior force (in this case husband) or to the authority (husband) or will of another person (husband's will)."

Lord Jesus!!! Just typing that made me mad.

Ladies- we live in a world now where women are rising up, dominating in every area, showing that whatever men can do we can do as well, and everything around us tells us to be self sufficient and Ms. "INDEPENDENT" , and due to some experiences we told ourselves we won't depend on people or allow certain people to lead us because of what happened in the past or currently happening. cool. Nothing too wrong with that EXCEPT in marriage.

You can NOT be that way when you are married. ! let me say it a little louder for the people in the back!!!

YOU CAN NOOOTTTT BE UNSUBMISSIVE IN MARRIAGE!

I'm speaking especially to myself right here.

Here's why!

If you live biblically there is a clear instruction :

Ephesians 5:22- 24

"22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

So just like you submit to God, you obey him, you fear (reverence) him, he leads you etc. Is the same way you submit to your husband.

At first I was trying to learn how to submit because that's what God said I should do. Until I realized I didn't like doing what my husband said or letting him lead in things because I felt my way was better or something should be done another way. Or my pride wouldn't let me because when I let him lead or listened to him in the past I was left disappointed so I built up a wall and fought against everything he would do. You know what that did? Allowed room for everything else to enter the marriage. for example : resentment, arrogance, aggression, frustration, and the list goes on.

If a man is trying to be the head, and lead, and his wife is always challenging his "authority" he's going to feel less of the man in the union, and no one wants to always argue and go back and forth with someone on why they should be respected as the "man" in the partnership. While it may not seem like a huge issue in the beginning as years go by it tends to wear on him. Instead I had to learn that it's a process. As long as where he is leading me is not into wrong doings, or danger, or clear red areas. It's okay. Theres nothing more reassuring than a man knowing that you trust him to lead and make decisions on the behalf of you both. HOWEVER I've seen where some men think a women should just be quiet and do chores or whatever they tell them to do like a dictator and I don't agree with that.

So here is a good tip.

Openly discuss the topic of submission. Letting the man know I'm not just going to have you bark orders and I follow but I will allow you the room to be my covering, to make decisions for our future and present, to be the guide and the final say so over us as one. This is where you find his expectations of you and what you expect to see demonstrated by him.

3. Mindset & Maturity

This I feel is the key between Relationship (boyfriend & girlfriend) vs Marriage (Husband & Wife)

My co workers and I were having a conversation and they kept telling me that being in a relationship and being married is the same thing the only difference is a piece of paper. (I can debate this for hours but for the sake of time....) They could not understand how marriage was any different when you already live together and possibly have kids. Okay that's the first problem right there.

As a gf and bf we are doing things that should come with marriage (the ultimate commitment)

Until I know that you are able to make this level of a commitment then and only then will I give and do more.

It's less about the paper and more about the vow and covenant you make before God, man, and the law.

This is why a lot of marriages fail because they think they are ready for the demand that marriage has and they aren't. They think they are ready to change their mindset but they aren't. They think they are ready for the commitment but they aren't its hard, its work, and some are only willing to put in work but for so long.

Marriage is FOREVER.

So yes I can see why some would question how is marriage different. Before I was married I wasn't shacking (living together), I wasn't cooking and cleaning and doing laundry like I do now, I wasn't submitting like ever, we didn't have joint accounts or access to each other finances, we weren't signing cars or houses together. why? There was no commitment/security. I wasn't going to do all these things, neither was he, knowing you could walk away with no consequences or accountability. Not to say that your spouse can't walk away in marriage but there are laws and guidelines both spiritually and natural that holds them accountable if they choose to.

I don't care what anyone says your mindset has to change when you say I do- from gf and bf (no real commitment and assurance) to husband an wife (honor, covenant, and maturity)

One of the BIGGEST things I wish I would have done was waited until both I and my spouse were more mature (mentally, emotionally, SPIRITUALLY). I was 20 and my husband was 24 when we got married and we were both still sooooo immature and coming out of toxic "situationships" lol which lead to sooooo many other unnecessary situations. Obviously no one will be perfectly matured but I do believe there is a certain level of maturity you should have before you say I-do.

Ladies - things to look for before hand (Not After)

- does he know how to submit to God? because how can you submit to him when he doesn't submit to anyone else? You are answering and being lead by him but who is he being lead by and answering to? He's your covering but who's covering him? For real For real. Not just on Sunday's or when called to minister! Make sure there is an authentic consistent relationship in his spiritual life.

- Pettiness, y'all some men can be soooo petty. Like worse than females. Pay attention to his petty level when it comes to any and everything/one.

- Is his love interchangeable. Does he switch up when he's mad vs when he's happy, when he's tired vs when he's vibrant, when he's hungry vs when he's full and satisfied, when his sexual needs are met vs when they aren't. (yes I said it.!) Love should be UNCONDITIONAL and NEVER CHANGING regardless of any circumstance.

- Grace............. PERIOD. (Mature enough to give and receive grace for areas that haven't developed) Thats a whole sermon in itself lol. But put this into practice it helps.

4. Finances & Intimacy

Uh oh! This is a big one for MOST!

ok let me try to sum this up because I've literally written a book.! But its just sooo much!

Finances- you HAVE to make sure "richer or poor" is what you want to vow to. If he has money/job now but doesn't in 2 years are you still going to ride? If you have money/job now vs later can you depend on this person to provide unselfishly. Is your money his and his your's? This is something you really have to break down BEFORE marriage to make sure your perspectives are matching. I thought ok we can talk about all that stuff once we get married NO sis! It will be too late by then. Be very specific and detailed in this area before you regret a decision or end up settling with whatever perspectives on money you both have and it starts to pull you two apart in the long run. And if you already share finances equally, discuss budgeting and short/longterm goals regarding finances and what is expected out of one another. Communicate across the board in DETAIL.

People don't play about their money individualy much-less when we come together as one. So very import I would say.

Intimacy. yikes.!!! This can just be all over the place but again a make or break in marriage! I struggle sooo bad in this area only because Im not that sexual. My drive is very very low. I can go without for weeks where my husband is the total opposite. I don't know why but that's just how my body is wired and people sometimes make me feel ashamed or try to make me be more sexual then I actually am but I feel I should never be forced to be a certain way because that's what is "normal".

This is another thing to pay attention to BEFORE you say I do. After all this is the person you have to be affectionate with and love on openly and privately forever. You want to make sure you are satisfied with the way they display intimacy. Notice I didn't say sex, but INTIMACY. It's so important because by the time you try to fix any issues it may be too late. It's important to know expectations and be on the same page and find ways to be what each other needs in that area. You have to be compatible if you're not it causes strain. A big one. Compromise in this area and figure out what works for the both of you. If you are in need of a higher level of sensitivity and affection discuss it and also give ways your partner can improve in the area they lack. then.... put it into practice and vice versa. Be open to adjusting to the needs and wants of your partner.

5. Change

People are always changing for either the better or worse and this is something you have to commit to knowing that the man or woman you fell in love with and said I do too may not be the same man/woman you are dealing with 5 years down the line so what are you going to do to adapt to the changes that life will hit you with? Just think about this one I won't go into too much detail but this is where the true art of long-suffering, grace, forgiveness, humility, and servitude starts to be tested and stretched to its limits. Are you willing to go through the "growing pains" the unexpected changes?

Wow I PRAY I have said something, anything to help! A lot of people think I always talk about the bad of marriage or the down side but no that's not it. We just always hear about the houses and cars and vacation and children (that's another thing Jesus!! Make sure your values, doctrine, and parenting styles are ok with each other BEFORE you say I-do because I will fight about my child soooo yeah lol but no seriously that's important). They never tell you about the nitty gritty, the ugly parts of marriage that no one sees behind closed doors, the sleepless nights as a wife/mother, the hard labor as a husband and provider, the fight to LOVE and choose each other everyday even when you may not want to, the understanding to grow mature and practice healthy mental strategies for each other.

Marriage is beautiful and I love it and what hasn't killed me yet has only made me stronger and im grateful for the opportunity to do marriage as ministry! To get a chance to everyday wake up and be purposeful and effective in my marriage. To overcome obstacles, create amazing memories, raise kings and queens, pour into each other, support and honor each other, push and cover each other. To laugh, and experience the world and all it has to offer with each other. Its amazing! HARD but amazing. The first couple years I believe is truly make or break but I know after we get to a certain time frame in marriage it gets easier, less of a fight and more of a everyday practice. I cant wait to master the art of servitude, giving and receiving. Overall I pray for everyone to have a long-lasting successful marriage.

Be blessed.!