What people don't see
Updated: Jun 26, 2019
These past couple days have been so rough for me. But I am finally in a better space. So let me tell you about the emotional roller coaster I just went on.
Today is June 26th. I recently went to Orlando (June 20) on a little weekend cousins reunion. You would think I had a great time but instead I spent every night (4 nights) crying.
"What people don't see".
I couldn't wait for my cousins to go out each night so that I could cry freely and not ruin the mood or be a party pooper.
Have you ever felt stuck? Don't know which way to turn, what to do, feel like there's no progression in your life, or a specific area of your life, that you keep experiencing the same things?
THAT WAS ME!!
Right before I left my husband and I got into a huge argument and I left very upset. I just felt like I was already trying to deal with my own emotions and he made it worse by provoking me. So it triggered something in me that said ok, if something doesn't give I'm slowly going to give up and stop trying so hard to be ok and have things work out.
Then when I get to Orlando everything is annoying me, like EVERYTHING.
Then I found myself getting sooo heavy. My heart was throbbing, I was sad, hurt, felt like giving up, felt like going home felt like never going back home, felt like if I disappeared no one will blink an eye.
I had also been on a job hunt, and wasn't having any luck. So here I was just moved to Texas, bills literally piling over, arguing frequently STILL with my husband, stay at home mother Tj in his terrible 2's, with no degree and no luck getting back into school and financially having nothing to my name depending on a man.
Everything I thought I was going to be able to do once I moved wasn't happening and the weight of it all caused me to go into a depressed mode.
I cried because I needed to release the emotions, I was tired of venting to people.
So I end up coming back home (June 24) and still just feeling not myself.
Meanwhile Im suppose to be the women "striving to be great" and "helping others to be great" and always be the "positive voice." and I couldn't even help my own self!!!! (that's a topic for another post) smh
I was feeling defeated, tired, less than, stupid, not good enough, confused, angry, hopeless and unsure of my worth as a person.
In the back of my head I knew that these things weren't true but the devil kept pounding them into my head and drilling the lies deeper and deeper and I was so far gone that I couldn't even fight it. I even text my friend "Im starting to just give up and Im ok with it"
I can't give up I have too much to lose!!!! silly me.
So the next day (June 25) I get a call offering me a position I applied for before I left for Orlando. I was sooo happy and so disappointed in myself at the same time. Heres why:
I gave sooo much room to the devil to fill my thoughts with garbage.
I literally sat there and let him take me on an emotional roller coaster WILLINGLY.
I was disappointed because I feel like I know better, NOT THAT I AM PERFECT AND I DONT STRUGGLE, but I know better. I know when the devil is preying on me I know when he is attacking me and I didn't even put up a fight, normally I would rebuke the lies, pray over my heart and mind, listen to a podcast to motivate me, get into worship so I can be shield from the attacks but guess what?
I DID NOTHING BUT SOAK IT ALL UP AND CRY!!
I said all of that to say this:
Test will come, situations will arise, emotions will rage.
All that matters at the end of the day is how you react to what happens and how you allow it to affect you.
Don't allow things to come and test your patience, attack your heart, open old wounds, bring you out of character, and alter the progression that you are on. You fought too hard to get through the last situation just to go back into another cycle of dysfunction, crying, feeling sorry and defeated, feeling crazy and bitter, one minute you up the next you have no clue about yourself and start to second guess and reanalyze yourself. Absolutely Not!
Instead, remain consistent with your energy and most important your emotions. Its okay to react but to what degree?
For me that's soooo hard "what people don't see" is that I go through my emotions dramatically.
When I'm angry, you know I'm angry I literally scream like a manic (like is it really that serious) NOOOOO the answer is NO! Why should anything make me that angry. My reaction to it NEEDS TO CHANGE.
When im hurt or sad I literally cry so bad that I start hyperventilating and some time's throw up because Im just that worked up and I cry that hard like........ Why sis? why do I choose to react is the most outlandish ways..
I am in control! I can choose to react different!
Now look I was offered a job the day after getting back, aka that was all for nothing when I could have remained consistent in my emotions, just keep it chilled for a little while longer.
a heart monitor.....
what would it look like if things were normal on the screen, the waves were consistently moving along and all of a sudden the patient goes into cardiac arrest......
his body is under attack but wait...
the monitor is still consistently moving along at the same wave lengths and patterns.
There is no indication that the heart is in distress, there's no outward sign that something is going wrong! (no hyperventilating, screaming, depression, pity party etc)
how would that look?
Because we are so use to having a reaction to everything that happens to us.
God spoke to me and said this:
"I take the foolish things to confound the wise.
where the enemy thought that your monitor was going to spike, lose control, go up and down drastically, speed up, make a loud crazy noise.
I called you to remain consistent in your emotions. REMAIN IN POSTURE.
He is confused when you react different then he expect, it throws him off when you smile inside of frown, when you are happy and content when your bank account is at -$100 instead of grumpy and frustrated.
The reason he is coming after you is because you hold value. YOU ARE THE THREAT!
In the midst of your process (the testing, the redefining, the molding, the purifying, the purging, the transforming) his job was to stall it, his intent was to hinder the process so that it would take longer to complete, but NOT THIS TIME!
maybe in 2015 when I called you and you ignored the call to be separated and marked so I could use you, but instead he threw everything he could to prolong my will but NOT in 2019. I know the plans that I have for you plans of good and not of evil, when you see evil present itself KNOW that it is not me because of what my word says.
The weapons won't prosper, depression won't prosper, doubt, fear, anxiety, self depreciation, IT ALL WONT WORK.
This process is happening with or without you and it will complete its course. My word does not return back to me incomplete. If I said it will happen, its going to happen."
Maybe you are in a process of______________ (fill in the blank)
and seems like its been a struggle, a roller coaster, some days you are sure and good, other days you are gone with the wind. Let me reassure you that whatever is coming against you WONT WORK.
Whatever the devil is throwing at you will miss, as my pastor always said you will learn to take a licking and keep on ticking.
I speak life to you now, yes you reading this, I encourage you to grab a hold of your emotions, your thoughts, your fears, your IDENTITY.
Whatever picture that has been painted before you I tear it up and present you with a new one today.
The picture that mirrors how God sees you.
not sure how he sees you? read his word:
you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
your more valuable than rubies (Proverbs 31:10)
you are not fearful but loving powerful and in your right mind (2 Timothy 1:7)
your end will be better than your beginning (Job 8:7)
you are royalty (1 Peter 2:9)
Keep doing what you know is right and pleasing and good. Keep praying, keeping loving, keep forgiving, keep braking limits, keep pressing towards every goal dream and idea, keep seeking ways to better yourself, keep going to therapy, keep putting things into practice that you have learned, keep the momentum, keep discovering who you really are, keep helping others when you can barely help yourself, recite those affirmations DAILY.
Generate thoughts that are good, protect your peace, preserve your energy, and LIVE UNAPOLOGETICALLY!!!!!
God will take you in the enemies territory and you wont even be scared. He will surround you with people that don't like you, talk about you, and allow you to shine so bright that it repeals them, he will lift your head, plant and position you for what's to come, he will equip you, give you everything you will need to succeed in him.
Lastly, TRUST and BELIVE in him. In all things consult him for direction and understanding and most importantly WAIT on him before you move. He will show you where to go, what to do, and WHEN to do it.
The devil desires to shake us until we have no more faith left but I speak to even your faith today. That it wont fail you, not right now, not when you need it the most to get by. It will remain in tact! Your faith is getting ready to carry you further than you ever imagine.
Be encouraged! Better days are right around the corner don't give up shake your self, plant your feet and stay! We need you! I need you !